If I didn't feel the flutter

This weekend, we chartered a boat and a captain to take us on our first trip to the British Virgin Islands. It wasn't the best day to go out on a boat. It was cloudy, very windy and very choppy out on the water. But we had planned it, got everyone excited about it, so we went out anyway. At one point, Marlo and the kids were in the back of the boat and I sat alone in the front. Cruising across the blue water, with green islands around me, I had one of those "wow, I'm actually here" moments. I spent some time reflecting on my life.

Bouncing along in that boat, I started going through the What-Ifs...I wonder what would have happened if I didn't change jobs so long ago, if I didn't go to grad school; what if I had stayed in the wrong relationships; and how would my life be today if I didn't muster up the courage to email that cute Canadian consultant I met at work a few years earlier about how "the Red Wings are going to beat the Avalanche."

But the biggest "what if" I thought about on that boat was was "what if I didn't feel that flutter?"

In the summer of 2009, I was 37, healthy, happy, and looking forward to a trip to Michigan to visit family and to go to my 20th high school reunion. I had a happy life with my two beautiful kids and my hunky husband, and I was in the best shape of my life, emotionally and physically.

A few years earlier, I was at the doctor and mentioned to her that Marlo and I were going to try to get pregnant with my second child. She said that she heard a heart murmur. Probably nothing serious, she said. But she wanted me to go to a cardiologist just to have it checked out before I got pregnant. I really didn't want to go because I was told at some point in my life that I had mitral valve prolapse. Nothing really serious. But I went anyway. The cardiologist, Dr. Collins, listened to my heart, ran an EKG, the usual stuff. He said that it sounded like mitral valve prolapse with a possible leak, and he ordered an echo. He was unconcerned, as I was. Marlo wasn't too sure I needed any tests. He felt like doctors prescribe too many unnecessary, costly tests. I scheduled the echo, but never went. I found out later that week that I was pregnant with Lily.

Lily was 18 months old when I finally had my echo in June 2009. I had been feeling slight pain behind my breastbone, like a moving pressure feeling that I ignored for months, written off as a pulled muscle or something from working out. It was really just a small flutter in my chest that pushed me to follow up with the cardiologist. Just a few seconds of flutter. I remember later when Dr. Collins called me and left a message on my cell phone. He said, "Your echo was normal, but you have a bicuspid aortic valve and your aorta is VERY ENLARGED. I want you to schedule a CT scan as soon as possible." I had several days to think about what he just told me on my voice mail. I called my mom (my weekend medical professional) and she said that she didn't know anything about enlarged aortas or bicuspid valves. I played the message several times for my friend, Diane. She kept saying, "well, if it was very serious, he wouldn't have left a message on your cell phone." I did lots of googling. Most of the stuff I read was scary. Within a few days, I had a diagnosis and an appointment with a surgeon.

On the boat this past weekend, I couldn't help thinking about what if I didn't feel the flutter? The flutter likely had nothing to do with my aneurysm. But thankfully, it definitely got my attention. We can never truly know what would have happened if I didn't have the echo, but the odds favored me suffering an aortic dissection at some point. Maybe I would have been saved, maybe not. It brought tears to my eyes to think about that. My kids. My husband and our relationship. My family. Our adventures we are to have in life. This boat, these islands, this water.

I know many people will say "look forward, not backwards, and stop analyzing the what-ifs." Makes sense, I agree. And I also feel that thinking about the past and the what-ifs from time to time can truly help you appreciate your present and future. I am happy to be here with this scar on my chest. I feel so thankful for all the blessings in my life...blessings of health, family, friends and new adventures. I am thrilled to be a member of Team Ritter, training for the NY Marathon, raising money for and awareness of the John Ritter Foundation.

My running life in St Thomas

I have to admit that I felt a little guilty after my last post. I complained a lot. I haven't quite let go of Denver and my life there. None of us have, quite honestly. Gabe is having a hard time with the move. Lily seems to be handling it better, but she is also having her moments. I think Marlo is feeling the same, but he has the routine of going to work in the morning and focusing on other things during the day. But it's heartbreaking when your child cries and asks to move back "home" so he can be with his friends. I guess, we would be dealing with this regardless of where we moved. It seems like the challenges of a move are just magnified here. You can't say, "Oh, let's go out to dinner at Noodles...that will make you feel better!!" We are in a whole new world here and it can be uncomfortable and scary. Coming up with positive ways of dealing with change and uncertainty is hard for me. But again, this is our new reality and we need to accept and adapt, or fall apart. And that is not an option.

Sunrise over Jost Van Dyke, this is my morning view before going for a run.

Running in St Thomas is so awesome!! Ha, just kidding, but it is getting a bit better. I am following Hal Higdon's Novice 1 marathon training program. I run Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday with my long run on Saturday. I haven't gotten to the part of my training where I am doing double digit runs. So right now I usually take the 5 minute drive from my house to Magen's Bay and run along the parking lot, into the woods, then back into the parking lot, up the street, turn around at the top of the hill. That trip is about 3 miles. My other option is downtown. I haven't done downtown since we moved to our house. But that run is basically cruise ship dock to cruise ship dock (yes, we have two large docks for cruise ships here). This trip is about 5 miles. I think it can be stretched into 6 or 7 if you go past the Crown Bay dock to the airport and then through the university and then back...I haven't done this yet. But these are the two main running routes that I have done. I live on the north side of the island, an area called Estate Peterborg, in a gated neighborhood called Sydney's Fancy. Peterborg is a peninsula on one side of Magen's Bay. There is another run out here that takes you away from Magen's up the peninsula to the Point. This is very hilly and challenging, but the reward it the view at the end of the Point. (Although, then you have to run back!)

As I mentioned in my last post, my main concern about running here is vehicle traffic. The roads are very narrow and, except for downtown, there are no sidewalks. Also the roads are very curvy and steep. I've had cars wait till the last possible second to move ever so slightly over as to not clip me. Magen's Bay road is basically a paved tunnel through the woods...the trees provide a delightful shady canopy for running. But, I have had to dodge crushed crabs, smushed mongoose and an occasional chicken. Last week, while running, I noticed some brown stuff in the road about 20 feet in front of me. Then I noticed a big brown blob coming down from the tree, spattering all over when it hit the pavement. Not sure what it was...it looked like animal poop, but I didn't see anything up in the tree. Some stealth iguana or ??? something was probably waiting for the right moment to hit me! Thankfully, the blob and its splatter, missed me by a foot or two. But ick!

The Road to Magen's Bay

Running on the trails into the woods requires a leap of faith! Usually I am alone in there with just occasional sounds popping and cracking next to me. I use the woods to amp up my speed. I want to get out of there as fast as possible. It's all head down, legs moving. While the woods provide much appreciated shade, there is also very little breeze flowing through. So it is very still and quiet. And, the woods at Magen's look like a haunted forest in a horror movie, I imagine some Blair Witch type creature scoping me out from a distance. Also, there are large holes in the ground along the trails. I did see movement in one of them once. I think it was a giant crab...I didn't stick around to check. But I also imagine there are 100s of black tarantulas lurking in those holes, just a few feet away from my super speedy shoes. I can probably break a 4 minute mile in there...I just want to get out! But I run in the woods for shade and to tack on a quarter mile here and there to my training runs.

The "Haunted" Forest

Even with the challenges of running on a tiny, tropical island, I'm in this thing to finish! I am still so excited to be on Team Ritter. This year the team is really active and excited about raising money for the John Ritter Foundation for Aortic Health. Everyone on the team has an important, personal story about why they are running. The stories can be found on the team's Crowdrise page. Click on a team member to read their story or to donate to their fundraiser. I'm hoping to again raise at least $3000 for the foundation. The money is used to fund research programs, provide support to families and individuals dealing with aortic disease, and promote awareness and understanding of the Ritter Rules.

Week two of training, week six in St Thomas...or the post that should be called, "Amy the Complainer"

It's too hot here. It's too humid here. I hate the bugs, especially the mosquitoes and spiders. And a tiny lizard fell out of my pantry the other day. Just fell out and scurried away before Marlo responded to my screams of horror! He never found it. It probably squeezed into some crack under the cabinets and is just hanging out waiting to freak me out again. Also, in my house I've had a giant cockroach, tiny ants and a huge ass spider. Marlo is still fighting his role as spider killer. Why does he fight it? I'm never going to kill a giant spider. Ever. He needs to just accept it and kill the damn thing instead of saying, "I don't understand why you can't just kill it." I'm never going to kill it. Get over it and just kill the spider. I hate fricken bugs. There...I got that out of the way. That's how I'm feeling right now. I have nothing deep or important to say about my adventure in St Thomas right now. I feeling like venting a bit, then I'll just let it go. It will always be hot and humid here, and the bugs aren't going anywhere. I have to learn to live with the "uncomfortableness" of this big life change.

I'm officially a pony tail girl. No makeup, no jewelry, no decent hair. It's too damn hot and humid here! My hair is a frizzy, witchy, sweaty mess all day, everyday. I fantasize about getting a pixie cut all the time. I sweat like never before, so my skin is always shiny. My wardrobe rotates between three sundresses. I packed a ton of stuff, but I wear the same three lightweight dresses all the time. I don't need my cute sandals and handbags...flip flops and a cross body bag are all you need here. For running, I have two pairs of shorts and ONE tank top that I feel comfortable wearing. I'm learning that it was true when people told us to pack lightly. Ok, there, I got that out of the way, too.

I am meeting some really nice people here. I even met a woman who is also training for the NY Marathon who lives very close to me. Most of the people I'm meeting are connected to Marlo through work. I have met some moms through the kids sailing camp at the Yacht Club (sounds so fancy, but really, it's super casual) and the kids other camp down the street at Magen's Bay. It's good to meet people, but being on the introverted side, pursuing girl friends is a challenge for me. It will just take time, I'm sure. But it's a small island and everyone seems to know everyone else. And I've heard that everyone seems to know everyone else's business. I have to take care with what I say to people.

My marathon training program is chugging along. I managed to get my required 7 miles in early on Saturday morning, even though I had at least 3 glasses of red wine Friday night. Again, it was brutal. Hot, humid at 6 am. In all honesty, it was probably 75 degrees when I started...cold by island standards. I'm just not used to it yet. I am going to have to switch my long runs to downtown in the next few weeks. I cannot continue to run these laps around Magen's Bay. I can get a longer stretch and SIDEWALKS downtown. At Magen's, a big part of my run is on the road. The cars drive on the left side here, so I run on the right side, facing traffic, so I can see what's coming at me. I have played chicken too many times with drivers who either don't see me, or seem to want to mess with me. It's very stressful at times especially because the roads are super curvy with no shoulder. You often can't see what's coming at you. Also, at times, I'm completely alone on the road with woods surrounding me. If I'm not listening to music, I hear a few roosters doing their morning "cock-a-doodle-doos" or I hear random popping and cracking. That is also a bit stressful. I imagine the noise is probably from the many stray cats or iguanas, or mongooses, but I'm always looking out for stray dogs...ugh, pit bulls seem to be the dog of choice around here. I love when another runner or walker goes by me. I always look people right in the eyes and say "Good Morning". Most are friendly and reciprocate your greeting but some are not interested in pleasantries.

Ok...I felt like venting. But even as I type this, I can hear the waves crashing below me. When again in my life will I have the chance to live where I can hear waves crashing?? I see storms passing by in the distance with occasional lightening and thunder. I'm living in a beautiful place. I hope to never take it for granted. I probably will at times, especially when I get consumed with the "uncomfortableness" of island living. But hopefully the sounds of the waves and the turquoise blue of the waters below will remind me to keep things in perspective.

It's been a year so why not try this again!

One day I'll get the hang of this blog thing. It's been a long time since I blogged. I seem to look at blogging as writing for someone else...but I need to look at it as writing for myself and my family. I'm writing a bit of my history and the history of my little family. My blog is now in three parts...the first part details my diagnosis and heart surgery and recovery...scroll back to June 2009 if you want to read about my aortic aneurysm journey. The second part from 2012 is my "first" marathon blog. I wrote a few times about my training for the NY Marathon 2012. As most know, that marathon was cancelled because of the devastating aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. My husband and I were actually in NY and picked up my running bib before they finally cancelled it. We had a fun time in NY anyway, but I was totally heartbroken to not get the chance to run the marathon. I trained hard and worked to raise a bunch of money for the John Ritter Foundation. I have very generous friends and family who donated more than $4000 to the cause. I will make them proud by finishing the marathon this year.

Now it's July 2013. I'm once again training for the NY Marathon. I am on Team Ritter again. I want to raise money for the John Ritter Foundation. I also want to continue to raise awareness of aortic disease by telling people my story.

Late last year, my husband was offered the job Chief Learning Officer with International Capital and Management Company. The company is located in St Thomas in the US Virgin Islands. We discussed this opportunity and the required move to St Thomas a lot. We knew there would be challenges with living on a tiny island in the Caribbean, but ultimately decided that Marlo would accept the position and we would all move to St Thomas to start a new adventure. Career wise, it was the right move for my husband. I gave up my career path back in 2005 after my son was born. I'm totally fine with this and fine with moving for my husband's job. Family wise, we thought it would be a great learning adventure for all of us, especially Gabe and Lily. Gabe is now 7 and Lily is 5. They seem to be the perfect age to do this and they have settled in nicely so far.

When I was younger, the idea of living on a tiny, tropical island always sounded so romantic and adventurous. The reality of it is that it is a beautiful place, but now it's our real life. I need to go grocery shopping, banking and to the post office. Kids will have school and schedules and I still need to cook dinner and clean the house. I have been here since June 6 and I still get lost every time I go to the grocery store or to Kmart or Home Depot. I am trying to get my head around paying $6 for a four-pack of greek yogurt and $4 for two peaches. Most people on the mainland of the USA probably takes for granted being able to go into any grocery store any day of the week and pick up fresh produce and dairy. Here, the boat with the fresh produce arrives Sunday afternoon and the stores get it out on shelves for Monday and Tuesday. That's when you shop..when EVEYRONE shops, so the lines are painfully long and your frozen food is not so frozen by the time you drive home. Which in my case is always 45 minutes later because I get lost EVERYTIME! You've probably heard of "island time"...well it's real. Nobody (except for me) is in a rush for anything. The cashiers will pause and have a two minute conversation with a friend, while ten people with full carts are waiting in line. You just have to accept and lower expectations. I'm learning how to slow down and breathe, rather than running from here to there expecting to get in and out quickly. I'm learning how to plan meals well in advance and, ugh-gasp, make lists. Usually I lose my list or leave it in the car, but I'm trying.

We just started our St Thomas adventure. This adventure also includes me training for the NY Marathon. This is the thing I'm most nervous about. I just started my official training and it's brutal. Yes, I haven't run big distances since last year, and I probably have more than a few extra pounds on me right now. But it is HARD! Training for your first marathon is hard anyway. I'm just really nervous about training in this heat, humidity, the heavy, salty air and especially the lack of safe running routes. I will continue to plug away at my training and eventually maybe my body will adjust appropriately to living here. We shall see. Regardless of where I'm training, I will run the NY Marathon. I may not finish in 4:30 like I hope to, but I will finish.